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Filed under: About the blog

But you have such a pretty face …

The first time I heard this one, I was all of maybe 7 or 8 years old and I heard it from a group of neighborhood boys!  Truly! 

I have always been a girly-girl, yet boys have always liked me; maybe because boys say I don’t think like a girl (whatever that means).  Anyhow, I was hanging out with some neighborhood boys and one of them told me, very seriously, how much they really liked me and they would like me to be their girlfriend except I was … well …. uh …. um – fat.  I have to hand it to them, they really wanted to tell me how much they liked me and they really didn’t want to hurt my feelings; but they really could not be boyfriend/girlfriend with me because I was fat.  Wow.  It was the first time that I ever thought of these boys as anything other than friends; I was flattered to bits that they liked me so much and thought I was so cool; and I didn’t know what to think about the fat part.  Really. 

I mean I knew I was fat.  My store bought clothes were from Sears’ Chubby line and weren’t as cute as the other clothes Sears sold.  But I couldn’t figure out what being fat had to do with being friends.  So I said, “okay”, and took it under advisement.

But then, not long after that, I was playing with a boy from another neighborhood.  We were playing war, but there was just the two of us.  I suggested that one of us needed to be on the other side (because if you’re playing war you need two sides, you know?), and he told me he understood that but he didn’t want me on the other side, because he wanted me to be with him – next to him.  Okay.  So this boy liked me just the way I was.  Hmmmm. 

Of course, once I got older, I understood some boys just didn’t like fat girls.  Well, I didn’t like all the boys either, so I could understand not everyone liking me.  What was hard to understand were the boys that seemed to like me just the way I was, but couldn’t/wouldn’t be my boyfriend because they would get teased; and they couldn’t deal with that.  That hurt and it made me angry.  I was brought up on “Disney” and I thought things should always be “fair”.  It wasn’t fair that someone who liked me wasn’t able to act on it because of other people.  On the other hand, if they weren’t strong enough to stand up for themselves (much less for me), I didn’t have much use for them. 

Pretty harsh.  But if you want the pretty face (and mind and sense of humor and talent) then you better be ready to accept the rest of me; because it is a package deal, and let me tell you not everything good comes in small packages!

Filed under: Size Acceptance

It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask

This is more a people issue than a fat issue, but I find that fat people are often timid about asking questions, especially concerning fat-specific issues (fat friendly seating, proper care at the doctors, etc.)

So many situations can be improved on or avoided by simply asking:  Can I …, Will you …, Why should I …, Would it be okay if …, etc.

If you have pets, you know that your furry loved one has no problem asking for whatever they want – “Can I go outside?”  “Can I come inside?”  “Are you going to eat that?”  They know, it never hurts to ask.

The thing about asking is you want something that you do not have and that you would like to have (information, permission, another piece of pie, whatever).  The worst thing that can happen after you ask is you still won’t have what you want.  You are no worse off; and you may get what you want.

So go ahead and ask.  Ask, “Is there a reason you need to weigh me?”  “Do you have a large blood pressure cuff you can use?”  ”Do you have armless chairs?”  “Do the tables pull out in your booths?”  “Want to go for a walk?”  “Are you asking me that because I’m fat?”  “Is this the same treatment you would recommend for an average size patient?”  “I will have trouble doing that, is there something else I can do?”  “Are you going to eat that?” etc., etc., etc. 

Here’s an example – when we have fire drills at work, I have to walk down 7 floors.  I am physically able to do this; however, my knees are not thrilled, and for the next couple of days I know my calves are going to be cramped up and I’ll be hobbling around in compression stockings.  Not fun.  All to see if I can get out of the building if necessary.  I know the answer is “Yes, if necessary I can get out of the building”.  So I asked if there is a way I could opt out of leaving during drills.  The answer turned out to be “yes”.  I could wait in the stairwell with one of our floor wardens (who is usually thrilled to be avoiding the trip down too); and we would be contacted if there really is an emergency.  Cool beans.  Yes, I could bite the bullet and be the good fatty who can get down those stairs on my own; and be miserable for a couple of days.  But I don’t have to; and I know that now, because I asked.

Some people will think you’re just being pushy or a big baby.  So what?  That’s their perception.  As a friend once told me “That goes in the big box in my head marked ‘NOT MY PROBLEM’.”  (I love that box, and I am amazed at how much it can hold.)

Another thing to remember is when you are asking for information, you are not asking for someone’s opinion.  So you should feel free to reject any unsolicited opinion that is offered instead of or in addition to the response.  Reject it out loud or mentally, but reject it; that’s up to you.

Filed under: Size Acceptance

The Good Fattie

This is a post from my other blog, Unapologetically Fat, which I’ve been asked to cross-post here.

This post was inspired by MezzoShiri’s post “Addicted to Life”

She brings up a theme that I’ve been struggling with myself, and have seen throughout the fatosphere as of late: The Myth of the Good Fattie.

One of these days someone will come up with a comprehensive “stages” list for Fat Acceptance, which a significant number of people pass through at some point or another on their path to body acceptance, although not everyone or in the same order.

One stage would be “ok for other people.” This means that you accept that other people could be happy with their bodies, but there’s something somehow radically unique about your own that makes it not an option for you.

Another would be the “Good Fattie” stage.

There is an idea that often crops up, if subconsciously, that somehow you have to “earn” fat acceptance by being as healthy as possible. If you exercise regularly and eat healthy and somehow escape disease or disability but remain fat, you are then relieved of an obligation to prove to people that it can be done. You can say, both to yourself and to others, “look, I do everything I’m supposed to. I’m fat and healthy. You can’t blame my lifestyle for my weight.”

But working hard, restricting your food and exercising while fat to justify your right to exist isn’t all that much different than doing all that to lose weight and justify your right to exist. They both start with the premise that you have to somehow earn your right to be a human being.

Don’t get me wrong here…if you’re active because you like to be active, or eat a certain way because that’s the food you like (or have religious or medical restrictions) then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact there’s everything right about that because you’re doing it for yourself. But if you can’t afford fresh produce every day, or you work two jobs (yes parenting counts as at least one full time job) and literally have no energy for anything but a microwave dinner and sleep, or you damn well don’t like vegetables, hate to exercise, are physically unable to exercise, etc……there’s nothing wrong with that either. The life you live as a fat person does not somehow disqualify you from deserving to be happy.

To the point, a quote from MezzoShiri’s post:

“But as I’m trying to find my own voice in FA circles, I can feel the weight of internal pressure about how I’m not being a “good example” of Fat Acceptance, and I’m not being any sort of example for the idea of Health at Every Size. Talk about cognitive dissonance.”

The Good Fattie kind of thinking does create a division in FA. I’ve seen questions from the beginning of my involvement about how the “Death Fat” (i.e. “morbidly obese”) or fat and sick feel they’re marginalized. There’s this fear that sick fatties especially serve as an example that contradicts the message of FA. So in-between, currently abled fatties serve as “poster children” for the movement, while the rest wonder how they fit in.

Is there hidden vestiges of fat prejudice behind this? Maybe there’s a part of me that I haven’t managed to excise yet which still contains the internalized message that I have to toe a certain line in order to deserve to be accepted as a fat person. Maybe I’ve transformed that message into the idea that I would be somehow “letting down the team” if I didn’t exercise and eat a balanced diet whenever I could afford to do so; That I have some kind of responsibility to the FA movement to be as perfect a representative as possible.

Or is it simply anticipating the fat prejudice of others? It could be that I’m afraid of being diagnosed with diabetes or heart disease (I expect both will show up in my life like genetic clockwork) because if I am fat and have one of the stigmatized “fat diseases” it will somehow take away the authority of my message. After all, wouldn’t I then be walking justification for all the “booga-booga-obesity!” hysteria? How can I say fat doesn’t cause diabetes if I’m fat and have diabetes?

No, what I think is more likely is that the real issue is self-confidence. Despite all my efforts towards banishing the self-hate and accepting my body in its natural state, there is still a part of me that feels I somehow have to earn the right to be treated as a human being. I still have that small lurking voice that tells me that I can only afford to be fat if I am Acceptable Fat, and toe the line of an acceptable lifestyle.

Now the first problem with that is that it hurts me personally. It attaches my self-image to the judgment of others, which is never healthy. I have made a point this summer of working on banishing the Acceptable Fat dependency in myself. Maybe peeling away those layers is what let me recognize this particular thought nugget.

The other problem is that no matter what my motivation, the myth of the good fattie lets itself out. By asserting my right to exist based on the premise that I exercise and eat healthy, I marginalize those who cannot or choose to not do those things. They, and I, have an inherent right to exist that has nothing to do with lifestyle or privilege. By hanging my lifestyle choices out like a flag of defiance I accomplish nothing but alienation. So I absolutely apologize if the unconscious belief in the Good Fattie has coloured my voice and opinions.

If I do believe that fat is not the cause of a person’s state of health, and if I do believe that everyone has the right to dignity and respect as a human being regardless of size, then it should naturally extend that they have that right regardless of health as well. Health issues are stigmatized in this country because we somehow still hold onto the Calvinistic belief that health is earned or forfeit through good behaviour. Supporting human rights for people of all sizes and states of health is accepting the idea that my own state of health is a combination of genetics and luck. It’s a heady thing to give up that illusion of control, but perhaps if health issues weren’t as stigmatized as they are, the superstitious need to blame something (previously sin, currently fatness) would also diminish. Or vice-versa.

All I know is that I really do believe that size acceptance applies at every point of the spectrum of body size. Healthy choices are possible at every point as well, but health is not a reflection of morality, any more than thinness or wealth.

Filed under: Fat Activism, Size Acceptance, fat, health, prejudice, social justice, social privilege

About Tante Terri

I have been fat all of my life – except for a few brief bouts of almost average-size due to really wacko dieting (have you ever eaten nothing but rice for months on end?). 

Growing up in Michigan, my mom (a fat woman) started putting me on diets when I was, I guess, about 8 or so.  Oddly, my mom did not diet.  In fact, my mom never seemed to have a problem with my weight until our family doctor insisted I was too fat, would never have a date, and had to diet.  What a douchehound. 

In school, I always felt I was the biggest one (I was tall and fat).  Got picked on, but nothing too horrible; and I always had friends; and at an early age discovered theater and that I could sing – really well.  Music gave me a place to belong and a group to belong to; and while I wasn’t given the roles I think I deserved because the directors weren’t brave enough to truly do alternative casting, I always had a lead. 

So while I was fat, and dieting, and thinking each failure was my fault and that life would be perfect if only I was thin, I didn’t wait for life.  I tended to jump in with both feet, and given my size, I usually made a terrific splash!

I believe that life sends you lessons, and until you learn them, they’ll just keep coming back.  In my 30s, I figured out that I am fat, likely to remain fat, and that I liked who I was; and being fat was (and is) part of who I am.  I read a lot of Shakti Gawain, learned about affirmations, creative visualization, etc. (all of which to me is simply focusing your own power).  I learned about dealing with issues and finding what was at the bottom of them. 

In my 40s I went on the road with Bottom’s Up (Vegas style revue that has been around forever) – playing the “fat girl”.  And I was at a point in my life where I didn’t have a problem playing the fat girl, because – hey – I am the fat girl, and it’s okay.  The most wonderful thing happened too, the star/director of BU told me that I had to be glamorous!  Just because I was the fat girl was no reason to not be beautiful and glamorous onstage.  OMG! 

And when I quit the show (I love performing, I HATE being on the road), I found NAAFA; and when I heard the message at NAAFA (backed up by data) that diets don’t work, it was so freeing to hear what I had known was true confirmed.  And I loved being around fat people who loved themselves – these were people who understood me and where I was coming from.  People who understand being fat is no excuse – for pretty much anything (except trying to climb that flipping rope in gym class – puh-leez). 

And now I am happily married (13 years, holy crap, how did that happen?).  And I don’t think I would have found my life mate without first learning to love and appreciate myself.  To set standards, boundaries, and figure out what I truly wanted for myself, and to include and accept as part of all of that, that I am a fat woman. 

So that’s probably more than you ever needed or wanted to know about me.  But I think the journey to fat acceptance is very important.  It’s different for everyone; and I feel fortunate that mine has not been as difficult as it might have been.  And I hope everyone will find joy in their life and their journey and know that the journey and you are worth it.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Aren’t humans animals, too, PETA?

By now, most of the fatosphere has heard about PETA’s “Save the Whale” Campaign, which features a cartoon of a headless, female fatty, seen from behind, standing arms akimbo in a bikini at some generic beach. My first response upon seeing the ad was how smokin’ the fat, White woman looked in her swimwear, but this isn’t exactly the reaction PETA hoped to evoke. How do I know this? The knee-slapping slogan on the pictures reads: “Save a whale. Lose the blubber: Go vegetarian.”

O PETA, thy name is predictable. As anyone who’s ever followed their ad campaigns can tell you, targeting oppressed groups is all in a day’s work for this well-known animal rights org. From using women’s sexualized bodies to promote vegetarianism to calling animal-eaters and –wearers “Nazis,” PETA has never shied from treading upon the rights of oppressed humans to further their animal-cruelty-free goal.

The thing is, I share PETA’s goals. I’m a vegetarian (well, mostly – I do eat the occasional poultry), I’m a responsible consumer of cruelty-free items, I spend most of my spare time rescuing shelter animals. Let’s cut to the quick: I’m a Crazy Cat Lady who would rather spend her time with her (mumble through the number) actual and foster kitties than attend any kind of human shindig. But, and here’s the difference, I try never to trade in on the discrimination of others in order to further my goal of animal equality.

But perhaps I say this better in my letter, below, to PETA. If their ad campaign challenges your sense of social justice, or if my letter inspires an answering spark of righteous anger, I encourage you to write PETA as well: info@peta.org.

Dear PETA:

I am a vegetarian. I am also an animal rights activist and a member of a small animal rescue in Los Angeles. In the past, I enthusiastically championed your organization. Once I began paying attention to your advertising campaigns, however, I found my support turning sour.

Ironically, your campaigns consistently support an unequal status quo; you are willing to sacrifice the rights of oppressed others in order to promote the rights of animals. You feature naked women, promoting the sexist objectification of women, to support animal rights. You are uncritical of “health” and therefore unfairly target peoples who are scapegoated by the medical industry. You promote stereotypes of Asians as ravenous eaters of pets. You use whatever tools are necessary to advance the cause of animal rights, even if those tools infringe on the rights of others. Your approaches are not only harmful to others but counterproductive for you, since you’re, to cop a quote from Audre Lorde, employing the tools of the oppressors. By supporting cultural inequalities, you’re also relying on and feeding the same hierarchies that keep animals objectified and marginalized.  More tangibly, by doing this, you choose to isolate other progressive groups from your cause. For example I, as a fat, White, feminist vegetarian, no longer support you. I am not the only progressive that has fled your organization.

Your latest campaign, “Save the Whales,” is an example of such an offensive and short-sighted approach. This knee-slapping ad campaign throws fat people — the current, fun pop cultural scapegoat — under the wheels in order to deliver a pithy, pro-animal punch. Whether you did this to garner attention or truly make a difference in the lives of animals, your delivery is stereotypical, hurtful, and unacceptable. It’s also not very funny. I am once again saddened to find that, in being the hero for one group, you’re willing to play villain to another.

But perhaps meanness and discrimination has worked for you. I wouldn’t doubt it; it’s also worked for a lot of other organizations, from the dairy industry to the don’t-ask-don’t-tell military policy. I’m just saddened that you’ve become a part of an oppressive cultural mechanism.

If you ever decide to try fairness and equality as a method for furthering your message, please consider reaching out to other progressive organizations. NAAFA, the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, might be a good place to start: www.naafa.org.

Sincerely,
Lesleigh J. Owen, Ph.D.

Filed under: Fat Activism, Size Discrimination, discrimination, fat, PETA, save the whales, sizeism, social justice

Correlation does not equal Causation

I had a lot of trouble wrapping my little pea brain around this oft repeated concept in the fattie world; until I saw an explanation in a novel (and unfortunately, I have forgotten which novel, so I can’t even attribute it — which explains my “little pea brain” comment above). It goes like this:

Monday always follows Sunday; however Sunday does not cause Monday.

That is correlation does not equal causation in terms even I can understand.

Filed under: Size Acceptance

Fat Acceptance v Body Acceptance

This was prompted by my niece asking for advice about a workshop she was going to give. At first the workshop was supposed to be on fat acceptance, but then they changed it to be on body acceptance.

The thing is, these are two very different subjects. Body acceptance has to do with your own perception of your body and whether or not that perception is realistic.

Fat acceptance, on one level is body acceptance, except you are (most often) also dealing with society’s perception of your body.

Changing your own perception of your body can be a lot of work, but it is something you have control over and you can change. Changing the perception of society is something you can work on, but it is, on the whole, beyond your ability to change. Yes, you can work on changing your personal environment and the people you deal with and try to educate them about fat acceptance. But for the most part, this is something that is beyond your control — all you can control is how you, personally, deal with it.

Body acceptance may or may not have anything to do with other people. Fat acceptance has a lot to do with other people.

Both are important issues, but they are not interchangeable; and I think that people need to realize the difference.

Filed under: Size Acceptance

Pro-Fat Bumper Sticker

My sister recently sent me a car magnet shaped like a big, purple ribbon. “Save a life – adopt shelter pets!” it brightly proclaims. I hugged it to my ample bosom before happily slapping it on the side of my itty bitty Scion. The world already feels more animal friendly to me.

That got me thinking, though: If I were to design a bumper sticker or ribbon that perfectly encapsulated my fat pride, what would it say? I mean, I would want it to be in-your-face, but celebratory, stereotype-smashing, yet poignant. After some thinking, I came up with the following:

I’m fat. Not chubby, not obese, not queen-sized. I may or may not eat all my veggies, might or might not exercise regularly, could or could not have diabetes or high blood pressure. Really, unless you want me to ask you about the regularity of your bowel activities, breast exams, and/or usage of Viagra, howzabout we agree to leave questions of “health” at home? I do not drive up your health care costs; I am not a ticking, flesh-wrapped time bomb; and I have zero mommy issues. Sitting halfway in your airplane seat ain’t exactly a carnival for me, either. Making clothing, chairs, and bathroom stalls that fit me do not encourage me to be fat; they just make me comfy and therefore less grumpy. This benefits both of us. I’m not miserable, I don’t hate my body, and I don’t have an oral fixation or pathological relationships with food and sex. In fact, I like my body just the way it is. I do not care to lose weight, and I’m not quite sure why so many others want me to. Others may urge me to change my body to fit better into this thin world, but instead I’m committed to changing this world to make room for all sizes and sorts of bodies, including my own sexy, sassy, beautiful fat body.

Hmmm. I think I might need to buy a slightly larger car.

Filed under: Fat Activism, Just Fun, bumper sticker, fat, fat pride, health

NAAFA’s Annual Report

A couple of weeks ago, Terri and I, along with Goddess Les and many others, were at the NAAFA Convention in Dulles, VA (near Washington, DC). It was co-located and concurrent with the ASDAH convention. NAAFA (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance) and ASDAH (Association for Size Diversity and Health) are sister organizations, so there was a lot of overlap and good synergy.

Along with the usual program and bag of goodies, attendees received printed copies of NAAFA’s 2009 Annual Report, plus a fact sheet on size discrimination.  I want to talk a bit here about the Annual Report; possibly later I or someone else will talk about the fact sheet, and other aspects of the convention.  To be honest, it would take thousands of words to do justice to the 2009 Convention.

Back to the Annual Report.  It’s an incredible achievement, considering that NAAFA’s fiscal year ended June 30.  Getting a report like this out in one month is rare.  It’s eight pages, plus the cover.  The inside front cover has a NAAFA profile plus quick facts.  Pages 1 and 2 contain a message to members, page 4 shows some example ignorant comments received by NAAFA over the fiscal year, page 6 has a strategic report card, and page 8 has financial highlights.

The report card is illuminating.  Of NAAFA’s six goals in its five-year plan (we’re either two or three years along, depending upon whom you talk to), only two (Goal 1: organizational steamlining and Goal 2: grow membership) have seen any progress.  And it’s not clear that membership has grown at all, just that NAAFA has done several things to promote growth, such as lowering its fees.  NAAFA has made very little progress on its other goals (Goal 3: pursue universal healthcare, Goal 4: FLARE fund programs, Goal 5: civil rights & legislation, and Goal 6: child advocacy).  NAAFA has fought some battles on Goals 5 and 6, but hasn’t won many.  (I think NAAFA members may have helped a case of child abuse in Nevada, but I’m not sure of the outcome of that.)

I applaud NAAFA for its efforts, and for grading itself honestly.  Why hasn’t NAAFA been more successful?  Partly it’s due to lack of money; NAAFA can’t hire staff to do the grunt work because there’s no money for that.  It’s frustrating because there are so many fat people who can and do benefit from NAAFA’s efforts, but aren’t members.  I invite all reading this to go to www.naafa.org and join NAAFA if you haven’t already; it’s only $15!

But the report card also lists a lack of people for nearly everything on the page.  Honestly, I think that part of that is the NAAFA Board of Directors structure.  Due to fears about volunteers “running wild”, all projects have to have close Board supervision, and there are just not enough Board members to do that.  The result is that NAAFA is not open to implementing ideas from its membership, even if the member is willing to staff and pay for its implementation.

NAAFA is an important voice for fat people, and NAAFA continues to get press as the premier fat rights organization.  And frankly, I love NAAFA.  But there’s only so much the Board can do.  I hope the Board can find a way to let volunteers help more.

Filed under: Fat Rights Organizations, Size Discrimination, activism, annual report, NAAFA