Fatty Holidays

I remember when the holidays were all about worrying about staying on my diet!  Happily, those days are long behind me.

And I was always fortunate in that my family was (mainly) fat-accepting.  Whatever their thoughts about me being fat, at least they kept them to themselves. 

And I usually had parties to attend, so I didn’t feel the lack of a boyfriend – except, of course, New Years Eve.  Sigh.  But I had friends to hang out with on New Years Eve, so it was fun.

Hearing tales from others, I realize now how blessed I was.  For many fatties, the holidays are not a good time.  They have to face fat-phobic relatives, they may be stuck listening to the unenlightened doing their own diet talk, and they may feel they have nowhere to go or no one to hang with because their friends have all gone of to do their family thing.

Personally, I have no use for family members who are less than supportive – no matter what size I happen to be.  I will ask them, politely, to put a sock in it, then I may be less polite – or I might just choose to excise those people from my life.  For many people “family” has come to mean the people who have come into your life who care about you and treat you with love and respect – related or not. 

When I was in my 20s, I lived with a man who was gay.  My family had a fit and fell into it.  Now this was before living with someone of the opposite sex was not an everyday – no big deal – thing; but it wasn’t unknown either.  My stepfather threatened to beat the guy up, my grandmother said I was not welcome at her home, it was a very unhappy situation.  I called my mother and I told her that I was sorry this was how they felt, I was the same person I was before whom they said they loved, and I still loved them – and when they were willing to recognize my right to make my own choices, then I wouldn’t be around.  I put the ball back in their court, but let them know that I was not the one keeping us apart.

I spent that Christmas with my dad’s family, and when I stopped at my mom’s house to drop off presents, it was all sweetness and light, and everyone wanted to know why I wasn’t there for Christmas.  (Don’t you love selective memory?)  They just dropped it, and so did I; and after that they treated me like an adult – because they knew that I was capable of walking away. 

The thing is, it’s YOUR life.  No one has right to make your life miserable – not even family.  But you are the only one who can prevent this.  You are the only one who can control what, if any, power someone else has over you.  And I know it’s hard.  Family is important.  But the people in your family are “people” and sometimes you have to look at them as people, with all the goodness and badness of any person, and then make the choice that is best for you.  If you know a particular relative is going to be a problem, you could try talking with them ahead of time, or you may see if there is a time when you can stop in when that person won’t be there. 

Think about your boundaries, set them and (try to) stick to them.  And if you have to leave or not go to protect your own well-being, let people know why, and leave the door open. 

As for sitting at home alone and you don’t like it, I urge you to get out there and get involved.  If you belong to a church or other organization, find out what kind of activities are going on.  Try going to some of the size-positive events/dances that are in your area (if there are some – I know they aren’t everywhere, but they seem to be happening more and more).  Treat yourself to some theater or a choral event.  Go look at the decorated houses.  See if you have other friends who don’t have local family and get together with them. 

When I first moved to LA, my roommate and I used to have a big Christmas Eve party for all of our friends who didn’t have family in the area.  It was so much fun, and it became a yearly event that we all looked forward to.  We also had gatherings to make homemade ornaments, tree trimming, gift making, cookie decorating, etc.  And yes, I know this is mostly Christmas-centric, but that’s my background.  I trust you to be smart enough to figure out what will work for you.

And if you really don’t want to do any of those things – that’s okay too.  Maybe your idea of the perfect holiday, is snuggled up on the sofa in your most comfy jimmies with a cup of cocoa and homemade cookies watching some old movie on TV.  Wonderful.  Go for it. 

And, you know sometimes, your happiness of spending time with a beloved family member is worth putting up with the asshattery of someone else.  Just try to figure out what will make you happiest – because it is all about you!

Filed under: Size Acceptance

Fat Models vs. Skinny Models

I know there has been some brou-ha going on lately about this issue.  Truthfully, I haven’t read any of it – because it’s such a moldy-oldie issue.  So, if it’s so moldy-oldie, why do I choose to write about it?  Because I think the issue is more about the fat community than the clothing industry.

My personal feelings about thin models selling fat clothing is that it is offensive.  I feel like the vendor is treating me like I am so stupid I don’t know that the clothes draping on the willowy model are going to look significantly different on me. 

However, in the past, Lane Giant and others have done experiments of running ads with fat models and ads with thin models and the ads with the thin models always create more sales. 

So while I know that clothes are going to look different on my fat body, the sales numbers have led the companies to believe in general folks in the fat community do not know this.  Or that fat people so hate their own fat bodies, that they don’t want to buy something that a fat woman is wearing.  Either way – how sad is that?

Until we learn to look at fat bodies (others and our own) and see beauty – we are going to have issues (conscious or not) buying clothes that are modeled on fat bodies.  And you can’t blame the clothing industry for doing what is necessary to sell the most of their product.

If you have ever been to a NAAFA Convention, you will know that one of the most joyful events is the fashion show.  NAAFA members model clothing for the vendors attending the convention.  I have participated in several of these fashion shows, and I have to tell you I love it.  I also love being out in the audience during the fashion shows.  Onstage or not, there is such a pure joy in seeing fat people wearing beautiful clothing, feeling good about themselves, and knowing that they are being admired and appreciated.  And lots of clothing gets sold in the process.

Some print catalogues do use fat models, and a few even use super-size models.  Online, you have a greater chance of seeing clothing modeled by fat and super-size models.  But these are smaller companies and often they cannot compete with the big companies when it comes to pricing; making it more difficult for the fat community to support them. 

So even if you object to the use of thin models, your personal circumstances may leave you with little choice; and I don’t want to berate anyone for doing what they feel is best for themselves.  We all have to make choices and pick the battles we can or want to fight.  Hell, I order from Lane Giant (or Woman Within as it’s now called – are they referring to that thin woman inside of me that is supposedly screaming to get out?  Well if she exists, she can STFU), because sometimes I can’t justify paying $80 for a pair of slacks modeled by a fat woman, when I can get the same thing for $30 modeled by a thin woman.  Do I feel torn about it?  Sure.  I want to support fat-positive companies, and my husband will confirm that I do (way more than he would like at times)  So we all do what we can do, when we can. 

I much prefer that vendors who sell to fat people use fat people to market their product; and we’re making a little headway.  But again until fat people put their money where their fat is and stop giving those vendors business, it’s not likely to happen.

And as a footnote, I don’t want to totally dis on the companies like Lane Giant – they were here first!  If you are an oldster like me, you can remember the joy when the first Lane Giant store came to your local mall!  Holy crap.  A store where all the clothes fit YOU!  And the clothes were cute too.  So there is a level of loyalty to them because they saved me (and maybe you) from those awful old lady clothes which was what I had to wear before because there were no other choices.  And now there is Torrid and Avenues – but Lane Bryant (there I said it) led the way – much to their profit, but they still led the way.

Filed under: Uncategorized

What if my boss sees this?

I don’t blog anonymously, but some do because they don’t want their internet history coming up in a job interview or a performance evaluation.  I don’t think that’s an issue for me, but even so, I hardly ever say anything about fat acceptance to my coworkers, mostly because I’m there just to work.  And in any case, it seems to be a (relatively) size-accepting workplace.  There are a few fat people working there, and some coworkers have fat spouses.  We started a wellness program this year, but it isn’t mandatory, and doesn’t seem to punish the fatties.  There’s some breakroom diet talk, but I keep away from that as much as I can.  Those who know that I’m into size acceptance seem to be OK with it.

But what if I have to change jobs?  If they research me on the internet, they’ll find my fat acceptance writings as well as my work experience.  I just checked, and even blog comments and petition signings show up.  Scary if you think about it.

It’s not a new problem.  The personal letters of famous people in history are now available for all to read.  But average people used to have a “security by obscurity”.  Now, nothing is truly obscure.

The answer, of course, is to be proud enough of everything you write that you have no misgivings about signing it.  And, except for the odd (very odd) comment on someone’s facebook status, I do.  And that means editing everything, even tweets.  But that’s OK, because I’m an editor at heart.

But even so, I’m not in the clear.  I find fat women attractive, and I’ve said so in writing.  Some people have a problem with that, and that means that they might have a problem with me.  While I’m not willing to hide my preference, I do self-censor by leaving out anatomical raves, for example.

So it’s a balancing act.  And I plan to write more about this and other aspects of self-censorship in another post.  In the meantime, how do you folks handle this?

Filed under: About the blog, Size Acceptance, Size Discrimination

Fatty Clothes – Tight or Loose?

“Know first who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.”  Euripides

This harkens back to the old fatty issue of “to tuck or not to tuck”.  I was a tuckee for many years, until my physique changed and I became an un-tuckee.  My criteria being what made ME feel comfortable and attractive?

I am so happy to see more and more fatties wearing tight clothes.  How I envy them their self confidence.  I admit to being a more draped kind of girl, but I am working on it.  I now traipse around the house in tight legging jeans and a cami top – and when I see myself in the mirror, I think I look pretty damn good.  I even go outside dressed like that – but if I’m going to the store, I confess that I throw on a sweater. 

I am not advocating one style over the other; but I’ll tell you one thing I learned back in my misspent youth working in a fat lady clothing store – if you wear loose fitting clothes, most people will assume that you are as big as those clothes, so you might as well show them exactly what you got! 

Of course what you wear is also determined on what you’re going to be doing – I work in a law office, and they would be very unhappy if I came in with my boobs and/or belly and/or butt in view.  For my own personal comfort, I usually try to keep most of those parts covered anyhow – except the boobs – sometimes.  Hey boobs are a goodness. 

But when I’m on campus, I love when I see fatties who have their bellies peaking out!  You go girl!  When we go to a size-acceptance dance, I love the fatties who are obviously reveling in their curves!  It rocks! 

Personally, I also have to deal with the issue of age-appropriateness.  This is another toughie for me.  In my head, I’m still in the midst of that misspent youth!  I’ll see something adorable, to die for, and then there’s that nasty voice in the back of my head saying — should someone YOUR age really wear that?  Sometimes I tell the voice to shut up; other times I have to say, okay – not really for me.  But I try to base these decisions on what I am comfortable with — not what society says I “should” be wearing. 

As I’ve said before, we all do the best we can at any given time.  Somedays I’m up for making a statement by wearing tight clothes or putting red or purple in my hair.  Somedays, I’m not up for the battle. 

But I do try to dress to the occasion, to my own comfort level, and to my personal standards of appropriateness.  Looking “good”, in and of itself, is a statement to the world.  It shows fat-phobes and people who might otherwise be unaware, that fatties can (and do) look good; and it serves as a “good example” to other fatties.  Sad to say, some fatties don’t think they can look good unless and until they lose weight.  So you are putting them on notice too – hey, I look good – so can you! 

And that is what I try to keep in mind when I see fatties in tight or revealing clothes.  They look great – I’m like them – I can (and do) look great too!  We’re in it together my fat friends.

 

Filed under: Size Acceptance

Fat vs Fluffy

I am NOT fluffy – I am FAT. 

I know I am fat.  Everyone who has ever laid eyes on me, knows I am fat.  And most people, who have spent any time with me, know that I openly acknowledge that I am fat.

Fluff doesn’t jiggle.  And jiggling is fun!  I love moving my body and feeling the way different parts react to the movement (and how long it takes for it to stop – ha!).  It’s fun to grab on and shake! 

I feel using euphemisms for fat are not helpful.  For some reason, many people seem to think that fat people don’t realize that they are fat.  At least, that’s the only explanation I can come up with for the behavior of these people – people who come up and tell you their latest diet or exercise tip; and people who call you “fat”. 

However, I also understand that fat-acceptance is a journey; and not everyone is on the same place in that journey.  Calling yourself fluffy, big, plus-sized, etc. is, at least, a step in the right direction – you are starting to come to terms with your “size”. 

Coming to terms with your size, however, is not the same thing as coming to terms with your fat.  Many people are big, plus-sized, etc. but are not fat. 

As Goddess Lesleigh reminds us – our fat bodies are something to enjoy. 

The wonderful Kathy Barron did a post on her Live Journal blog about getting back to enjoying your body the way children enjoy their bodies!  How true.  Look at a baby and how toes and fingers can be so fascinating!  Until they are taught differently, kids love their bodies and realize what a gift the body is.

I don’t want to remonstrate anyone who is not where I am on the journey to fat acceptance.  I try to be (what I hope is) a good example, approachable, and open to discussion with my fellow travelers.  While the destination may be the same, the journey is different for each of us, and we can learn so much by listening to each other and sharing our experiences.  Each step of the way is a good thing and an opportunity to go forward and help those who are coming along behind us.

We need to support each other, because we all know how hard the journey is.  And there is certainly enough fat-hate out there, without adding conflict within the fat community. 

All anyone can do is the best that they can in any given moment.  We should all remember that.  Cherish ourselves, and cherish each other.

Now get out there and jiggle something!

Filed under: Size Acceptance

THE NOT-SO-FRIENDLY SKIES & MY BIG FAT BUTT

For many fatties air travel is one of our least favorite things to do – second only to going to the doctor.  Why is this?  Because we never know what to expect.  We never know how we will be treated.  So even if the trip is uneventful, you spend the whole time waiting for a fat-phobic employee of the airline to come up and ruin your day.

Soooooo many stories out there about fatties being treated badly by airlines – pulled off of flights, unexpectedly asked to purchase a 2^nd seat, buying a 2^nd seat only to find the airline has assigned those 2 seats in separate rows, etc.

One of the most frustrating things is the unpredictability.  It is clear that, like the acceptable size of carry-on luggage, the acceptable size of the ass getting onboard is strictly up to the people at the gate.  Have you ever seen anyone force a passenger to stuff their huge piece of carry-on into the little “your luggage must fit in this” box?  I haven’t.  Why don’t they have an airplane seat at the gate, with a sign that says “your ass must fit in this”?  To me, if there is no set standard or if the standard is not uniformly enforced – it’s discrimination.  And as NAAFA will tell you – discrimination is wrong.  Period.

And I love that the airlines will all tell you it’s about safety – not about money.  Right.  So when 2 fat people traveling on Southwest are forced to buy an extra seat each, instead of allowing them to share 1 extra seat between them – it’s not about the money.  Southwest will tell you that it’s because they can’t guaranty you 3 seats together – but they let the fatties preboard – so WTF. 

Then you get into the issue of people who spill over seats in other ways – people with broad shoulders; people who put their seats back (so you spend the flight with your nose in their hair product); people with children; etc. 

And speaking of safety – what about people who are allowed to hold their young child?  Excuse me?  You can’t do that in a car —- because (duh) it’s NOT SAFE.  And you and your child have to be very wee for you both to fit exclusively in your seat area. 

How do I handle it?  Well, a lot of times, my husband and I upgrade to first class (from accumulated miles) — and here’s an interesting tidbit.  The seatbelts in first class are shorter than those in coach!  I can sometimes get away without an extender in coach, never in first class.  I guess fatties are not supposed to be in first class.  And even in first class – there is not enough room for me to properly use my tray table.  Nice.

If we can’t upgrade, I get an extra seat.  This is when the fun begins.  The online systems are not set up for you to easily purchase that extra seat – because they want a name to go with that seat, and they don’t want the same name for two seats.  When you check in, you go through the same thing about – who is this extra seat for (I usually tell them it’s for my other butt cheek).  Then you go through security, and get to explain to them that the extra seat is for your other butt cheek.  And again when you board.  So once you get the seat (that the airline is so adamant you need), you have to justify to them why you got that extra seat – over and over again.

So usually by the time I get on the plane.  I’m already not happy with the world in general.  But now I get to deal with other people impinging on my space –the space I had to pay double for!  I think if you want to put your seat back – you should have to pay for the seat behind you – because when you put your seat back, there is no way you are not making the person behind you uncomfortable (which I believe is why folks don’t want to sit next to us fatties – so how come, they are okay with someone’s hair gel in their nose, but not okay with my softnesses touching them?  It’s a mystery).  The kid behind me starts kicking the seat.  The flight attendants keep running the cart into my arm because the aisles are so narrow.  Oh and even though we put up the armrests – they still stick out and make it really uncomfortable if you really do spread over into that other seat.  So even though I have done as requested by the airlines (for safety reasons, mind you) – the airline still cannot deliver a comfortable trip to me. 

Maybe the airlines should just admit to EVERYBODY that they will get you where you are going (on time or not) but that it will not necessarily be comfortable.  That way, if you don’t like sitting next to a fatty – YOU can buy the extra seat – since YOU are the one afraid of being touched (despite the fact that fat is not catching, you know) – and then YOU can explain that the second seat is because you are a fat-phobe, and you can’t risk contact with “us”. 

Now, the airlines are making all kind of nasty noises about weighing passengers, charging a “fat tax” on tickets, etc.  To understand why this is so very inappropriate, I urge you to check out (and join) Association for Air Passengers Rights (AAPR) at flyfriendlyskies.com.  They are great fat-allies.  As AAPRS explainted at the 2009 NAAFA Convention, airlines count on there being an average weight for each seat – so while you may be above average, they aren’t giving credits to those who are under the average, and they aren’t giving you a credit when you carry less weight in luggage.  It’s all about the money and it’s all about an attitude that they can discriminate against the fatties and get away with it. 

I personally try to avoid using Southwest Airlines – because I feel they are the most egregious when it comes to fat discrimination.  HOWEVER, they are also the only airline that if you buy a second seat and they are not fully booked on that flight, you can get the cost of that second seat back; so I can totally understand why some people prefer to fly with them.  Granted, it is a major hassle to get that refund (funny, they can’t just credit it back to your credit card when you get off the plane, and funny, they can’t tell if the plane is going to be full – even right before the flight).  You have to hang onto your documentation, you need to get the paperwork from Southwest right there at the airport (and funny, they never seem to have it handy! — don’t let them skate, they made you buy that extra seat – you make them give you the paperwork).  But at least, you have the chance of getting your money back from them.

And I encourage you to keep apprised of the current rulings concerning air travel.  I had a Southwest attendant tell me that I couldn’t sit in the exit row if I needed a seat extender – that it was an FAA ruling.  NOT.  The FAA leaves it up to the airline to determine who should be sitting in the exit rows – and did you know, they are supposed to make sure that if you wear glasses, that you can see well enough without them to read the instructions (ever see anyone check on that?); and the FAA warns that many small women are not strong enough to handle the exit doors.  I know if I needed an exit door open – I’d want a BIG strong person there operating them.  How about you?

And if it’s really all more than you want to deal with – may I recommend train travel?  Perfect if you’re not in a hurry to get there; and (so far) much more fat friendly.

Filed under: Fat Activism, Size Discrimination

Fatty Fatty has a 2 x 4

I just saw this on a FB entry by the goddess Lesleigh, and I LOVE it.

I have often wondered why I have been lucky enough to negotiate our fat-phobic society without a lot of the problems so many other people encounter.  I think the above slogan is the reason.  Not only do I have a 2×4, there is a rusty nail stuck in the end of it!

Over and over again, I hear from people how when they first met me they were afraid of me.  You’d think that would bother me — but I kind of like it.  The people who need to be afraid of me keep their distance, and the people who are willing to get to know me, learn that I am not (necessarily) as scary as I first seem.

Let’s face it.  If you are larger than most people, you can do them some physical damage.  So why do people take potshots at fatties?  I think a lot of fat-phobic people have this idea that we are all “gentle giants”.  That they can poke and prod us (physically, verbally or emotionally) and we’ll take it.  And unfortunately, they are often right. 

I am not an advocate of violence; and in fact, have never been in a physical fight in my whole life.  But I have a terrific GLARE (honed from years of practice); that can stop most people in their tracks. 

An ex of mine, a big muscle-y guy; always said the trick was not to get into a fight, but to make people believe that you aren’t afraid to get into a fight.  He would always be calm – disturbingly calm – when he was in a confrontation (when I met him he was a bouncer at a bar).  And it worked.

So what can the average fatty do?  I’m not sure, because I was born with the goddess-given talent of being able to put people on notice that I will not put up with their shit.  Also, as Bill points out, as a woman, I can get away with saying a lot of things that he cannot.  Things that I say that come off as edgy and funny, would come off as scary or offensive coming from a man.  Not fair, but unfortunately, that’s how it is.

Carrying yourself with confidence and letting people know you value yourself and you aren’t going to make excuses or apologies for who you are helps.  A well-placed “excuse me?” when someone says something snarky goes a long way. 

Having a quick tongue helps.  As Bill calls it: “kidding on the square”.  Saying things that seem funny but have the edge of truth to it.  (i.e., I sometimes tell people, “please don’t make me hurt you”).  No I’m not going to hurt them, and they know it — but they aren’t quite sure.  And there are nicer (or as I think of them “office speak”) kind of things you can say like, “Is there a problem here?”, “That is not acceptable”, “I find that inappropriate”, “I am not comfortable with what you said”, etc.  If you have a ready supply of these kinds of phrases, you’ll feel better prepared to deal with the fat-phobics, and that will add to your confidence.

Another thing that helps is an attitude that you aren’t afraid.  I know this is really tough for some folks.  But practice makes perfect, and part of practice can be doing some self work in on facing your fears.  I like the practice of writing down my fear, and then putting down – “and then what’s the worst thing that could (reasonably) happen” – and if that happens – “what’s the worst thing that could happen” and keep going until you get down to what you are really afraid of. 

And while snarky comments may hurt, the ultimate damage done depends on you.  If you somehow believe the comment – it’s going to really hurt – and you need to work on your own beliefs about yourself.  Even after the fact, try to think of what you should have said.  Even if you never use it again, you will know that if you run into that situation again you are prepared.

I find a good healthy dollop of anger helps.  Fatties certainly have reason enough to be angry.  Mostly my anger is under control, but I suspect it shows around the edges.  I’ll be happy to let go of this anger once society lets go of the idea that I am somehow worth less because I am fat; until then, I have a right to be angry and I am angry.

All of this does not mean you should go around with a chip on your shoulder or picking fights.  It just means that if you prepare yourself to deal with the kind of happy-crappy (or not so happy-crappy) that most fat folks have to face, you will feel more confident about your ability to deal with those situations, and your confidence will show.  And if you actually use some of those skills, the fat-phobes around you will be put on notice and you’ll feel even strong and better able to take care of yourself.

 

Filed under: Fat Activism, Size Acceptance, Size Discrimination