In this case, I am using FA as in fat-admirer; a term I really don’t like, but I don’t know if there is a better one out there – if you know one, please share. I’d love to have a different term – especially since, now that, more and more, FA is used for fat acceptance.
Anyhow. These are the people who have a preference for fat partners. YES! They may be fat themselves or not; and unfortunately, they get crap from the fat and non-fat community because of their preference.
First, I know we all want to just be loved for who we are (cue violins and birds chirping). Everybody, fat or not, wants that.
Second, everybody, fat or not, has preferences. Some people are all about the boobs, some prefer taller partners, some prefer shorter, some prefer body hair, some do not, some like blonds, some prefer brunettes, and on and on and on. And some people prefer fat partners.
Now, a person may or may not end up with someone who fits their physical attraction criteria. This is because once you get to know someone, you may find that there are other things about that person that are more important and more attractive to you than just how they look. Cool.
However, when you are out and about in the world; most often, we all start with the basic physical attraction. You see someone and they push all the right buttons. You want to know that person better (or maybe you just want to hop in the sack with them – and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as they are willing and you all play safe).
So if you have an initial attraction, it is more likely you’ll be willing to take the time to get to know that person better (before or after you hop in the sack – hey, you have to talk sometime). You have that extra incentive. And the more people you get to know, the more information you will have as to what your own preferences are and what is and is not important to you in a relationship.
That having been said, many fat people hate their own bodies so much that the he or she believes there must be something wrong with any person who is physically attracted to their bodies. What they say is, “I just want to be loved for who I am”, but in this case, what they mean is, “You can love me, but not this body that I hate,” and if you do love this body, there is something wrong with you.” How sad is that? For everybody.
Quite a few FAs I have met, are not well socialized. I think this is because, often, they don’t go through the same dating and relationship learning experiences that average sized people tend to go through during their teens and college years (just like many fatties). I think this is because they are confused by their preference. Much like gays and lesbians, they have a preference that society tells them is not the “norm” (happily, I think teens and young adults are getting better at recognizing that society does not get to dictate what is “normal”, at least when it comes to sexual preference). Add the peer pressure all teens are under to conform (especially when it comes to appearance). It would take a very strong and confident teen to come out of the closet as an FA in high school. Also, I think we all go through some self-examination and experimentation during our youth (misspent or otherwise) to determine just what our personal sexual preferences and/or orientation are.
And let’s remember that when a person has a fat partner, they get judged by their families, co-workers, “friends” – they get to hear all the “caring” and “helpful” and/or nasty and snide comments and questions about why they want to be with a fat person. They get judged not on their own looks, but on how the person they care about looks. So they get the double whammy of having to defend their own choices, as well as the stand up for the person they love. How fun is that – especially if the person they love hates their own fat body.
I know it’s been said before, but it is really true. Until you learn to love yourself, you’re not really ready to be loved. That’s because if you don’t love yourself, how can you believe that you are truly loveable? And you are!
And loving someone else can be scary. Because you care about that person, and what happens to them. And while the other person is not responsible for your own happiness (you are the only one with that power), you trust that person and your life and feelings are intertwined with that person. So think how scary it is for you; and then realize, acknowledge and appreciate that your partner is going through the same thing.
And another thing, the FA who is in the closet, needs to come out. The person who doesn’t introduce you to his or her friends or family, who doesn’t take you out, who only wants to see you in private, and especially the FA who has an average sized spouse and has the fatty on the side, does not deserve you – in any way. I’m sorry. As I said above, I know that being an FA is not easy; but someone who is not proud to be seen with you, doesn’t love you enough. And by encouraging an FA to stay in the closet, I feel it only makes things harder for the open FAs and fat people in general. Tell me it doesn’t make you happy to see a fat/FA couple.
The more society sees that we are loved and lovable; the harder it becomes for society to say otherwise; and the easier it becomes for other fat/FA couples. So love yourself; appreciate those who love you; then go forth and spread joy!