When Your Fat Ass Hits the Ground

 This weekend I was taking a bath and getting out my hand slipped and down I went – hard, hitting my back on the side of the tub.  I hit so hard that I almost blacked out — something that has never happened to me before.

 You know what I have to show for this?  A small bruise and a little bit of ache.

 Thank you fat.  Thank you for protecting me from my own clutz. 

 This may be the first time that I’ve fallen and realized that it was not because I was fat, and that my fat protected me – a lot.

 I should have known better.  I was using an olive oil soap and I didn’t take the (usual) precaution of drying my hands thoroughly before hoisting my fat ass out of the tub; and my hand slipped.  Duh.  I’ll take no shit for $2,000 Alex. 

 So if you find yourself taking a spill, don’t just blame the fat, stop and think about what really happened (so you can hopefully avoid the problem in the future); remember that everybody takes a tumble now and then (including average sized people) and thank your fat for cushioning the fall.


8 thoughts on “When Your Fat Ass Hits the Ground

  1. Ouch!

    Yeah, the last tumble I took was pretty spectacular. I veered out of the path of an oncoming toddler and stumbled over a sprinkler head in a park. Oddly enough, just a couple days before, I had seen an interview with Chevy Chase where he talked about how the key to falling safely is to keep moving as long as possible. I knew I was headed for a faceplant in the grass, but I kept going as long as I could. In the end, I wound up with a sore knee, a minor scrape on the same knee, and a nasty scrape on the bridge of my nose where my sunglasses took the brunt of the fall.

    I don’t know how much my fat protected me on that one since the spots that hit the hardest were not very well padded, but I do know that listening to bizarre celebrity interviews can save your life! LOL!

    Oh, and I really, really know it wasn’t my fat that made me fall. That toddler was out for blood, I can feel it. (plants tongue firmly in cheek)

  2. Thank you for this! I have taken a few spills over the years and was generally so mortified that thinking about it after the fact only brought back the embarrassment and shame and not the actual scenario or cause. In retrospect I know it was the shoes I was wearing. First with these weird rounded heel sandals (they need to outlaw that style of heel, for real!) and then with high heels on rock-embedded pavement. Ugh! Of course I blamed my fat. It’s easier! Everyone else would assume as much. My husband freaks out if I trip even a tiny bit and catch myself. He always makes a fuss about it after, too. But I’m just a clumsy gal, I don’t mind it. I claim no grace or poise. I just am. And when I took a pro-stunt man style spill playing volleyball? My fat ass totally helped me roll out of it! Thanks for this post!

  3. Wow! Glad you’re all right!

    Hm. This is a good post. I guess I’ve never thought about it like that.

    Thank you fat, for stopping me hurting too much when I regularly stack it in rolelr derby!

  4. I have cerebral palsy, so I fall easily & fairly often. Believe me, it is NOT that fat. In fact, my fat has likely prevented some injuries in some of my falls.

    I am glad that you are okay. I only take showers, as it is too hard for me to get down into & up out of a bathtub.

  5. I am glad you’re OK! I totally agree that my fat has saved me from major injury. I did a full on body slam on cement after tripping on a broken sidewalk, and only suffered a bruised arm and scraped knee. I think the one bony part of my arm, my elbow, did jab my ribs and bruised them too, but I didn’t break anything.

    Then there was the time I slipped in the tub and fell against the back. I cracked the tub surround, but only bruised myself.

  6. Ow indeed. REALLY OW.

    I’m quite happy to own my fat padding these days. I still bruise pretty, but I think that the fat provides a nice buffer for my bones and all the gooey bits in the middle.

  7. I am a “world class” clutz and have fallen many times in my life. I guess my fat has protected me as well. Very good point – thanks for that!

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