The worth of my fat ass

Probably the most useless thing I do is worry about my worth.  I don’t mean how much money is in the bank, what I own, etc.  I mean my worth as a person. 

Most fat people get treated like we’re not quite “good enough” to be the best.  And while I have been very fortunate to escape a lot of the terrible things lots of fat people go through; I think that even if you don’t have to deal with out-and-out discrimination and fat bigotry, our self esteem gets worn down by the pervasive message from society that we are not good enough.  We may be good — we’re just not good “enough”.

I started with a pretty good opinion of myself; I have a loving spouse who is so supportive; and I’ve done a lot of work on myself — affirmations, reading, creative visualization; and still, when I don’t get a role in a show, or I hear about people doing something and I’m not included; my first instinct is that somehow I was not good enough — even though I know there are lots of other possible explanations.

It’s the secret enemy.  It grows inside of us, so quietly and slowly, that we don’t even notice it happening — until the damage is done.  I think this is why so many fat people hesitate to stand up for themselves and fail to question it when they are treated badly. 

And I think it is something we all need to think about and be on guard against.  It’s one of those things that is so easy to see and understand when you are talking about other people; and is so hard to deal with in yourself.  But I’m going to try.  I’m going to tell that secret enemy to shut the fuck up next time it starts whispering to me, because

I AM ENOUGH AND I AM GOOD.  I AM BETTER THAN GOOD ENOUGH.

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3 thoughts on “The worth of my fat ass

  1. Most of mine comes from my childhood & my family, because I grew up with abusive alcoholic parents, as the only disabled kid in a very small & narrow-minded town, etc., & most of the public harassment I have endured has been more related to my disability than my body size, but, yes, all my life I have been fighting the message that I could never be ‘good enough’, which, in my life, was more often expressed as being worthless, rather than just not good ENOUGH. I have battled the message that I had no right to be ALIVE, that I was a nuisance, a burden, unlovable, undesirable, & of course I could never do anything right. It is hard to walk upright carrying all that, but I manage most days. However, going through menopause & aging & now dealing with all the physical changes of aging, including changes in proportions & weight gain since I finished menopause, has given me more rough moments.

    Thanks for the reminder. You are right…you are indeed enough & good..I AM ENOUGH & I AM GOOD. I AM BETTER THAN GOOD ENOUGH!! I guess I need to make it my mantra.

  2. Oh boy, do I know this struggle. Am I good enough? Am I worthy of this? Am I bothering the people in my life?

    It’s a lifetime of abusive messages from my family, school bullying, low self esteem, living in a fat body that is generally feared and loathed by society and general lack of confidence that I’m up against. But like you, I remind myself that I AM ENOUGH AND I AM GOOD. I AM BETTER THAN GOOD ENOUGH.

  3. Hoooooooo boy. The feelings of worthlessness only increase if you’re looking for a job, as so many people now are.

    The same poisonous thoughts run through my head every time I apply for a new job (which is at least a couple of times a week).

    What makes you think they’ll hire YOU? They’re going to get a billion applications, you don’t stand a chance. You have nothing to offer that the other candidates can’t offer… and probably do better. You shouldn’t have bothered with higher education…. and blah blah blah with the endless self-hating blah.

    *sigh* It’s tough in a world that constantly tells you you aren’t good enough. Fortunately there’s the FA community there to tell you that you are 🙂

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