Probably the most useless thing I do is worry about my worth. I don’t mean how much money is in the bank, what I own, etc. I mean my worth as a person.
Most fat people get treated like we’re not quite “good enough” to be the best. And while I have been very fortunate to escape a lot of the terrible things lots of fat people go through; I think that even if you don’t have to deal with out-and-out discrimination and fat bigotry, our self esteem gets worn down by the pervasive message from society that we are not good enough. We may be good — we’re just not good “enough”.
I started with a pretty good opinion of myself; I have a loving spouse who is so supportive; and I’ve done a lot of work on myself — affirmations, reading, creative visualization; and still, when I don’t get a role in a show, or I hear about people doing something and I’m not included; my first instinct is that somehow I was not good enough — even though I know there are lots of other possible explanations.
It’s the secret enemy. It grows inside of us, so quietly and slowly, that we don’t even notice it happening — until the damage is done. I think this is why so many fat people hesitate to stand up for themselves and fail to question it when they are treated badly.
And I think it is something we all need to think about and be on guard against. It’s one of those things that is so easy to see and understand when you are talking about other people; and is so hard to deal with in yourself. But I’m going to try. I’m going to tell that secret enemy to shut the fuck up next time it starts whispering to me, because
I AM ENOUGH AND I AM GOOD. I AM BETTER THAN GOOD ENOUGH.