Disclaimer – I am going to try to keep this from being totally hetero-centric, but that is my main experience; so any input on other lifestyles are appreciated.  Also, I am talking about looking for a relationship, a partner, not just a fling – and there’s nothing wrong with a fling.  Just play safe and be responsible for your own actions and feelings.

Whaliam and I just celebrated our 15-year anniversary.  It hasn’t all been easy, but it is all good.  And I really love when other people find someone to spend their life with.  It’s a goodness.  I’m not saying you need someone to complete you or make a good life.  I had all that before I met Whaliam; but having someone to share your good life with is the icing on the cake; just makes it all a little sweeter, you know.

It’s hard enough finding a mate when you are perceived by society as a whole as being an “appropriate” size; but fatties often are faced with even more obstacles.  And even if a prospective mate is attracted, that person may not feel up for dealing with the shit storm they may get from “friends”, family, and co-workers.

So what’s a fatty to do?

If you are a fat person; hopefully, you love yourself as you are and why would you want to have a mate who does not love you as you are? 

Rule #1 – Don’t think you are going to “fix” someone after you are in a relationship with them; and

Rule #2 – Don’t have a romantic relationship with anyone who thinks they are going to “fix” you.

I’m not saying people can’t grow together, learn to compromise, etc., and people do change; but the only person who can change you is you.  And thinking someone needs to be “fixed” means that you already think that person is “broken” – maybe it’s true maybe it’s not, but it’s not up to you.

Some people are attracted to fat bodies; and some people are attracted to “people” – the person is more important than the body type. 

Now, obviously everyone (including average sized people) wants the latter.  We all want to be loved for who we are.  Well duh.  But remember, part of who you are is a fat person.  And there’s nothing wrong with physical attraction, as long as you end up caring more about the person inside – that’s what it’s all about (it’s hokey pokey time!). 

So you can try personal ads, you can try fat-positive websites and dating services; but there are some places that are fat friendly and the people tend to be more interested in personalities, talents, character, intelligence, etc.  And even better, it gets you out and about – I don’t care how fabulous you are, chances are the love of your life is not going to knock on your door hunting for you.  You need to get out there! 

I’ve found those places are theater groups (especially the crew and the musicians), science fiction conventions, and church groups.  (Any other suggestions?)  And even if you don’t find a prospective mate, you’ll meet lots of interesting people, make some new friends, and have some fun.

And don’t be shy about letting other people know that you are looking.  If you like someone and they like you, there’s a good chance you’ll like other people they know.  The more the merrier, and the greater the chance you’ll meet someone with whom you’ll connect.

Some people say, be the change you want to see in the world.  I say, be the joy you want to have in the world.

So as I used to tell people at NAAFA Conventions – go forth and spread joy!



  1. If you’re into history, crafty stuff, and/or hitting people with sticks, the SCA (society for creative anachronism) is also a great place to meet people. I wouldn’t say it’s perfectly fat-friendly, but definitely moreso than the surrounding culture.

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