I ran across a link to a calculator where you can enter your age, gender, height, weight and country and the results will tell you “Where You Are on the Global Fat Scale?”


I’m game.  I complete it.  And my results say:

You have a higher BMI than 100% of females aged 45-59 in your country.

You have a higher BMI than 100% of females aged 45-59 in the world.

I am the fattest!!!

I guess I am the only female of my size that has survived (because we know all fatties are subject to imminent death-by-fat).


(Before you start lecturing me in math and statistics, yes I do understand that this really means that I am on the far end of this particular bell curve – however, 100% is 100%).

I also found out where my people, my people are located – the nation of Tonga!

Tonga Life expectancy at birth: total population: 75.38 years
male: 73.98 years
female: 76.83 years (2011 est.)

US Life expectancy at birth: total population: 78.49 years
male: 76.05 years
female: 81.05 years (2012 est.)

So on the whole, a nation of fatties, has a life expectancy only slightly less than the US (part of which, I presume, could be attributed to lack of facilities).

So I am waiting for my crown as the fattest fatty – thank goodness tiaras are truly one size fits all!



  1. Um, hate to burst your bubble but there’s definitely something wrong with that calculator. I’m a 23 year old, 130 pound, 5’10” woman and it told me the exact same thing so…

    • No Ivy you are below average – you probably made the same mistake I did the first time I did this and entered your pound-weight as kilograms. I knew when the results said my BMI was over 120 something was wrong, and saw my error. I just entered your info in feet and pounds and got the below average results.

  2. Aren’t statistics hilarious? And speaking of Tonga, I remember that about 4-5 years ago, their king at the time died. He had weighed between 380-475 pounds his entire adult life & weighed 380 at the time of his death. He was 88 years old.

    And surely you have seen the studies which (reluctantly) conclude that, on average, fat people live as long as thin people & in many cases, including where people are diabetic, fat people live longer than thin people. Death by fat is a myth created, fed, & perpetuated by those who profit from the repeated efforts of fat people to be something which they are not meant to be & which serves no actual purpose in improving our health or lengthening our lives. The weight loss industry may well be the largest & most successful con in the history of industrialized civilizations.

    And indeed Pacific Islander people, such as Tongans, Samoans, Hawailans, are among the fattest people in the world & they are not dropping like flies. Contrary to what Michael Fumento flatly stated some years ago, fat people do not all die before they hit 50. I am sure he is bitterly disappointed by that fact.

  3. i am another contender to fight you for that crown! i am fatter than EVERYONE aged 30-44. but maybe we shouldn’t fight over that crown and just relax on the beaches of tonga, have fruity drinks, and get to know our newly adopted people (you know, if they’ll have us.)

    • The islands that make up the nation of Tonga were originally known as the “Friendly Islands”, so I am sure they would be happy to have us join them.

  4. I’m pretty sure that the calculator is getting the percentages wrong, too. I live in the UK and wear a UK size 18/20. If you look around on the web, you’ll find that there are all kinds of stories saying that 25% of UK women wear an 18 or over. I’m near the lower end of that size range. Yet, the calculator tells me that my BMI (37) is in the top 1%. That seems really unlikely to me. Frankly, I see people with higher BMIs than mine walking around the neighbourhood every day. Top 10% I could believe, but there’s no way that I’m a top 1% outlier. I wonder if they’re basing the percentages on average weights 50 years ago or something.

    • Yeah, I don’t know where they got their percentages from either – which is part of what makes me laugh at being placed as 100% fatter than everybody.

  5. I got the same thing about being bigger than 100 percent of my peers. At the time I had no idea that the calculator was broken so I thought the information was true. I weigh a bit more than 400 pounds at around 5’3″ and am 56 years old so I actually am an outlier and I thought it might have been true.

    It was a strange and lonely feeling thining I was bigger than anyone else my age in the entire USA. It didn’t feel good at all. I think it was so negative because of all the fat hate and fat shame going around. I felt like someone had painted a target on my forehead.

    I am usually the largest person in any room. This has lead me to feel like I am the largest person on earth even if I know better. So, if nothing else this sense of actually being the ultimate grand poobah of fat was an interesting tool for reflection on self-acceptance.

    While I knew there had to be something wrong with the calculator, the experience lead me to ask what if I WAS the biggest? Would that mean I was deserving of some sort of denegration? Of course not. So why did the calculator make me feel so bad? If I’ve really deprogrammed myself, it should only be funny. But on a first reaction, gut level, it was anything but.

    • I’m sorry that your first reaction was not a happy one. This made me laugh because I had just been to the NAAFA Convention and I know there are people larger than me – and there are people smaller than me. At my height (5’8″) and age, any female weighing over 305 is going to show up as being 100% fatter than everyone. It’s just stupid. And it also made me think back to the young fat girl I was in high school who was the same height but weighed a lot less and was absolutely convinced that I was the fattest person in the world.

      I think we all carry the wounds of living as a fat person in a world that is mostly unwilling to accept us. Just remember what a good job you have done in learning to care for yourself.

  6. Remember, the calculator is not giving fractions of percentages. So if you’re fatter than 99.5% of people according to its calculations, it’ll round you up to 100%. As DeeLeigh said, the calculator is probably getting the percentages wrong, period, but the round-up error in itself is especially egregious at the highest 1% (and maybe also the lowest 1%).
    Eselle, if you can afford it, you may want to check out a NAAFA convention at some time. You are by no means the largest, not even close. I joined for a couple of years in the 1980s and one thing it will do for you is to give you a sense of your place in the world, size-wise. To be somewhere where you fit takes away some of the tension that is so constant with fat people we don’t even realize it’s there.

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